Sorry for the lack of posts...

Sadness has hit me like a ton of bricks again.

The life of we three...

Grammie & Odin Slumber Party

Little Z...a.k.a. Santa's Helper



Uncle Adam's House

Zephyr doing some construction.

Snow...

Ride 'em Cowboy!

Whoa Nelly!

Cute Odin quotes for today:
"There's Uncle Adam's house! It is beautiful!"
"Mama, you're not crying anymore because Uncle Adam is here to take care of you." He came up with that one...never said a thing about it.

Snow day!

We arrived safely in Wyoming, with an uneventful trip, despite the fact that I only had 3 hours of sleep the night before due to Zephyr's cold. Odin has completely forgotten what snow is like! We had a layover in Salt Lake City and we had to walk to the plane outside and there was snow on the ground and Odin was trying his hardest to touch it and step on it while walking to the airplane and asking, "What's that on the ground over there Grammie?" It was so cute. Then, we got out the few little toys that we left here last year and he said, "I like these new toys you bought me Mama!" It was so hard to explain to him that they were already his and that he has been here before. Due to the fact that Grammie and Odin are the only ones not coughing our brains out, they are sharing a bedroom so that they can sleep without being woken up and Odin thinks that is just so cool having a slumber party. We ordered him a little toddler bed and he told me that he thinks it's "cute" and hasn't even tried to get in bed with me which is a HUGE victory! We also ordered Z a swing so that we'd have somewhere safe to put him and it's ridiculous. Even though I only bought Odin's swing two years ago and it was the same brand, this swing actually plugs into the wall instead of using crazy amounts of batteries which seems like such a simple improvement that I can't imagine why mine didn't have that feature...this one has two recline positions too! How could they improve something that much in two years?

Odin & I went out and played in the snow today and had a grand time. We haven't gotten him a new pair of snow boots that fit yet so he wore his regular shoes and he was so preoccupied with getting snow on his shoes and not wanting to ruin them. No matter how many times I told him it was ok, he didn't agree that it was :)




Here's little Z with his Christmas present from Auntie Rachel!


Tomorrow, we're going to get a Christmas tree so that will be fun. Odin will have such a great time looking at the ornaments from when I was little! It's so great that every year I get to experience all of this through Odin's eyes as the first time again and again but at different stages of understanding since he doesn't remember it from the year before! I kind of thought there would only be a one time for the "firsts" of childhood but there's actually one every year! It's so great. Odin is SO happy to see Uncle Adam. He told me on the plane that Adam is his best friend. Then, when we stopped at the grocery store on the way home from the airport, Adam went into the store and we stayed in the car and Odin was beside himself that he finally got to see Adam and he was already gone again. It was all I could do to get Odin to stay in the car until Adam came back. For some reason, not sure why but I'm sure there is a legitimate connection somehow, as we were driving from the airport home, Odin asked where Batman was. We must have said something that made him think of Batman. He's never even seen Batman so I don't even know how he knows who he is except for the jammies cousin James gave him for his birthday. So, in case you are looking for Batman, apparently he lives in Jackson Hole. Also, in typical contradictory toddler fashion, on the way home from the airport Odin kept saying, "We are NOT in Wyoming!" He did mention he wants to go hike a mountain with Adam and Grandpa so that should be interesting! More photos to come but this website won't load them for some reason right now! Argh! Well, that's all from cowboy country!

Off to Wyoming...

Well, we're off to Wyoming. All of us have the WORST cold so let's hope that everyone's ears are a poppin' tomorrow. I'm bringing my laptop so I'll be posting photos of snow and little Z's first Christmas for all of you. We already got some Christmas presents today so we're getting to start early! Odin's starting to think that this presents thing is an every day occurrence! Let's hope that this little trip to the mountains gives me some perspective, space, and rest so I can come back a new, healthy, refreshed, not bitter, able to step up and be the grown up in the situation, more calm, less sad person. That's my wish for the New Year.

Well, that's it.

Here's what's up in the life of we three...

I have the preschool cold. Argh. It is one of those cough your lungs out, blow your nose a million times, not be able to think straight, drag your feet, I have no patience kind of colds. Sad news is little Z has it too. His coughs make you want to cry they're just so pitiful. Poor guy. Yet, despite how crappy he feels, he is STILL his happy little wonderful self. Just talk to him or kiss him and he's all smiles and goos, coos, and ga's.

The papers are signed, things are official. I guess things are really over, we are really moving, and I am officially poor for it. It is a very bitter-sweet prospect. I will get the help I need but it means that I (and Odin) have to leave our lovely friends that are just wonderful, our fabulous family and their great kids, our sweet little house that I just adore, our town that is SO toddler friendly but would NOT be school age-kid friendly, our current life as Odin & I know it, all the dreams of a future that I had before all this happened and all the effort I put into keeping it all going before this all happened. I'm totally freaked by the prospect of moving. I have no idea what we will do when we get back East. All of you are so scattered, I wish there was a magical place where you all lived that I could be welcomed home to. We could all be neighbors and raise our kids (and friends' kids) together. Ah, I digress. Lately, I have so many daydreams of how I wish things were...delusions of an easier way. It's hard to want to stay in reality when what the future brings is so uncertain and when the present is so sad. I look at the kids and they are just wonderful and I keep thinking that some day I will look back and realize that I missed this wonderful time in their lives because I just couldn't be entirely present for them with all that I was going through myself. Little Z is in that wonderful "I want to stop time" baby phase where you just breathe in his scent and hold him cuddled up against your body and think, "I have to do this again someday." I keep thinking, what if this is that last time I have a baby and I missed it because I was so upset and in my own selfish hurt phase where all I could do was focus on healing myself and making it through? I also worry about uprooting Odin right now from everything he knows. The only saving grace is that he ADORES his Grammie & Grandpa and will still be seeing them daily so I keep thinking he's gaining a big part of his life, and losing some smaller parts. He will also be closer to his cousins Alexandra and Nicholas whom he really likes so hopefully that will make up for him losing his best friend and his cousins that he absolutely adores here. It's also hard knowing that I am moving but will not have my own space again for a long time. Being a grown up and having my own life is a hard thing to give up especially when I don't know when I will get that back again. I don't know when the market will recover, when my house will sell, etc. Anyways, enough of that.

We had a Christmas party last night with our married friend couples and their kids here and it was just wonderful. The kids were so grown up! They decorated a gingerbread house, cut out and decorated sugar cookies, and played together while we all chatted. Little Z actually slept through the whole thing, not sure how! It was a little sad because a lot of good friends couldn't come due to various winter toddler illnesses but those of us with the "preschool cold" just gave in and shared our germs amongst all the little runny nose coughing kids. I had SUCH a good time though. I like all my friends' spouses almost as much as I like my friends and since we've all been friends since the kids were born, we all know each other's kids really well too. It was so nice to be amongst such wonderful people and to stand there on my own two feet, instead of as half a pair where the other half is ALWAYS missing. It's always been so wierd in the past that all of their significant others come to everything and mine never did. It was nice to just not have to answer that question and for me to be enough all by myself and know that they were all here because they enjoy my company and mine alone. It will be so sad to leave them. Funny story, Odin and one of his girlfriends, Taryn were in his bedroom with the door closed. My friend went to check what they were doing and they were standing next to each other with a bottle of cookie sprinkles. Taryn blurted out, "I was just cleaning!" It was too funny to hear the random excuse she came up with for something that she deems as preferably acceptable behavior in her mom's eyes. The kids also all went out and looked at my Christmas lights all of their own interest and that made all the decorating worth it :) Here are some videos:





Anyways, thanks for "listening." I'm sure there will be many more totally freaked out entries before this is all over with. It's going to be really hard to let go of everything I've known for the past 5 years. I can only try to hold out hope that the future will be brighter than the "hoping it will get better" past and present. Everyone tells me that things will get better and that there's that perfect someone out there that will accept me, baggage, kids, and all and that I won't spend the rest of my life living with my parents, a lonely mom of two. I'm really really trying to believe that and hoping that the period before this magical "no way in hell that person exists based on my life experience" person comes along will be manageably lonely in an ok kind of way and that some day soon I will feel like I am again standing on my own two feet.

'Tis the season!

It seems like the holidays are depressingly about money this year. When you have two kids under the age of three, making gifts for people that come from the heart and don't cost very much is very unlikely unless you sacrifice your night's sleep every night to find the time which only hurts everyone in the long run since I turn into a major bummer of a person without sleep and usually get whatever sickness is going around as well. Really, the only option is shopping online, which is admittedly very fun but also costs $$. Normally, I get excited about selling some stock and giving back to all my friends and family that are so wonderful and mean so much to me. This year, my stocks are worth less than they were when I bought them and now it's starting to seem that any future that the three of us has is hinging on those future sale of stocks. With no income, divorce costs, house costs and a house that is not worth any more than when I bought it even though I put a ton of money into it, kid costs, and my parents basically supporting us right now, the holiday season is becoming about Guilt. Lots and lots of Guilt with a capital G. Guilt because I owe my parents more than I could ever pay back, guilt because this year Odin is finally old enough to REALLY appreciate the full glory of Christmas and yet things are so bitter sweet and I'm trying so hard to make sure he doesn't miss out because of everything his mom is going through. I know my parents don't worry about how much they are giving up to help us, and how they are completely giving up their own lives right now to help us, but I am just a guilt ridden kind of person. Guilt because I can't give back to all the people that mean so much to me in the way I'd like to. Guilt because I'm moving Odin across country and uprooting his entire life because I can't do it all by myself and need help and because I can't afford to keep living in Santa Cruz. I've always been a person that likes to be self-sufficient so that I can avoid all of this guilt. I've always worked very hard to not have to take advantage of the kindness of others. I guess I'm kind of more comfortable being a giver and I'm not very comfortable taking. Anyways, I know this is a depressing post but I can only imagine that due to the economy, all of you are feeling some of this as well and thought maybe it would help to hear how it could be worse... I just want you all to appreciate what you have and to give your significant other a hug and tell them how much you appreciate them. I also would like you all to know how much I appreciate you and that despite what pathetic present from my online shopping efforts arrives at your doorstep this holiday season, I do appreciate each and every one of you and how much your friendship and love mean to me. I wish I could dig myself out of this capitalist view of the world I am stuck in to see a way to make this holiday season more about what it was originally intended to be about but unless I clone myself and can then give each and every one of you more of my time and energy, I don't see how that will happen. Right now I'm giving every ounce of my time and energy to my two little pint-size priorities which I'm sure you all understand. Please also consider this an advance thank you for all of the future support that you will provide to us this year as I'm sure that my need to depend on all of you will only continue even more the rest of this year until I land back on my feet. Thank you all...to make up for the depressing nature of this post, here's a little photo of our cheery little house. Odin was so excited about Christmas lights, I couldn't let him down! I did go for LED lights this year to save on our electric bill and also scaled my lights display down somewhat but it means so much to Odin, I couldn't forsake the tradition all together. Hugs and kisses to all of you,
Love, Star

By the way, for all of you that voted on my weight, after the stress and a case of the flu, I'm within 3 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight at only 2 months after Z was born! Can you imagine? Nothing like looking good for the holidays ;)

You are so beautiful...to me!

Here's a cute one.

Took a shower, combed my hair. Then Odin came into the bathroom and told me that he wanted to blow dry my hair. Ok. So I got the hairdryer and let him dry my hair. Then, he stepped back, looked seriously at me and said, "You look beautiful Mommy" in a very somber serious voice. Then, he sidled over to me and tucked himself into my side and cuddled for a minute. Makes it all worth it, doesn't it?

It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood!

It's a beautiful day in this neighborhood,
A beautiful day for a neighbor.
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?...

I've always wanted to have a neighbor just like you.
I've always wanted to live in a neighborhood with you.

So, let's make the most of this beautiful day.
Since we're together we might as well say:
Would you be mine?
Could you be mine?
Won't you be my neighbor?
Won't you please,
Won't you please?
Please won't you be my neighbor?

Feeling better!

Hi everyone,
I'm all better and feeling my energy come back! Odin had a great day at school. Usually, the minute he knows that he's going to school and that I will not be staying at school with him, he melts down, but today, he just wanted to make sure that I would be picking him up and no one else and then he was ok with it. He marched right in saying, "Hi Teacher Erica!" Handed her his backpack, and got ready for her to pick him up after I said goodbye so he could get some comforting when he teared up. He handled it like a pro and knew exactly how to get through it and it made me so proud of him that he could calm himself down. It was really sweet! He got some pictures taken at picture day at school a month or so ago and I'm attaching the proofs below because they are SO cute!!!! The color doesn't come out right because they are proprietary or something but the actual photos are SOOOOO cute!!!!!

When I picked Odin up, the other kids were resting on their cots (they go down for a nap right before I pick him up since he only does a half day) and he was sitting at a mini table with a mini chalk board and a sock on his had and a piece of chalk. I deduced that the sock is the "eraser." He saw me and jumped up and grabbed his backpack and jacket and said, "Goodbye Teacher Erica! My mama's here to get me now! Goodbye everyone!" It was SO cute. It's also really cute that he has this wierd accent now when he says my name and it sounds kind of French like "Maman." I feel like I have a French child and I should answer, "Oui ma petite familier?" Meaning, "Yes, my little one?" Odin and Zephyr both have liquid build up in their ears from so many colds in a row so I'm hoping the herbal ear drops the doctor recommended will work. We are going back to see her next week to see. Odin was very brave and had a flu shot (his second one as kids have to get two the first year) and he likes his doctor so much he actually sat on her lap while she looked in his ears and blew air into them to test the fluid. I put Odin to bed 45 minutes ago and he's still in there singing to himself. Ho hum. I got him an advent calendar from playmobil and it has all these little boxes and you open one each day and it has little animals and trees and food for the animals to put into this little forest scene that they give you and on Christmas Eve, Santa comes to see the animals. It's so cute. After he gets all the pieces, he can use it for playing with his playmobil camper and can have the camper in a forest with trees and animals. It's the cutest thing. Today he got four little birds and a tree. He played with them all evening. I was amazed that he could enjoy such a simple little set. I'm including photos of that too.


Another interesting thing, Odin has decided he likes his room completely dark when he goes to bed! He never ceases to amaze me!