'Tis the season!

It seems like the holidays are depressingly about money this year. When you have two kids under the age of three, making gifts for people that come from the heart and don't cost very much is very unlikely unless you sacrifice your night's sleep every night to find the time which only hurts everyone in the long run since I turn into a major bummer of a person without sleep and usually get whatever sickness is going around as well. Really, the only option is shopping online, which is admittedly very fun but also costs $$. Normally, I get excited about selling some stock and giving back to all my friends and family that are so wonderful and mean so much to me. This year, my stocks are worth less than they were when I bought them and now it's starting to seem that any future that the three of us has is hinging on those future sale of stocks. With no income, divorce costs, house costs and a house that is not worth any more than when I bought it even though I put a ton of money into it, kid costs, and my parents basically supporting us right now, the holiday season is becoming about Guilt. Lots and lots of Guilt with a capital G. Guilt because I owe my parents more than I could ever pay back, guilt because this year Odin is finally old enough to REALLY appreciate the full glory of Christmas and yet things are so bitter sweet and I'm trying so hard to make sure he doesn't miss out because of everything his mom is going through. I know my parents don't worry about how much they are giving up to help us, and how they are completely giving up their own lives right now to help us, but I am just a guilt ridden kind of person. Guilt because I can't give back to all the people that mean so much to me in the way I'd like to. Guilt because I'm moving Odin across country and uprooting his entire life because I can't do it all by myself and need help and because I can't afford to keep living in Santa Cruz. I've always been a person that likes to be self-sufficient so that I can avoid all of this guilt. I've always worked very hard to not have to take advantage of the kindness of others. I guess I'm kind of more comfortable being a giver and I'm not very comfortable taking. Anyways, I know this is a depressing post but I can only imagine that due to the economy, all of you are feeling some of this as well and thought maybe it would help to hear how it could be worse... I just want you all to appreciate what you have and to give your significant other a hug and tell them how much you appreciate them. I also would like you all to know how much I appreciate you and that despite what pathetic present from my online shopping efforts arrives at your doorstep this holiday season, I do appreciate each and every one of you and how much your friendship and love mean to me. I wish I could dig myself out of this capitalist view of the world I am stuck in to see a way to make this holiday season more about what it was originally intended to be about but unless I clone myself and can then give each and every one of you more of my time and energy, I don't see how that will happen. Right now I'm giving every ounce of my time and energy to my two little pint-size priorities which I'm sure you all understand. Please also consider this an advance thank you for all of the future support that you will provide to us this year as I'm sure that my need to depend on all of you will only continue even more the rest of this year until I land back on my feet. Thank you all...to make up for the depressing nature of this post, here's a little photo of our cheery little house. Odin was so excited about Christmas lights, I couldn't let him down! I did go for LED lights this year to save on our electric bill and also scaled my lights display down somewhat but it means so much to Odin, I couldn't forsake the tradition all together. Hugs and kisses to all of you,
Love, Star

By the way, for all of you that voted on my weight, after the stress and a case of the flu, I'm within 3 pounds of my pre-pregnancy weight at only 2 months after Z was born! Can you imagine? Nothing like looking good for the holidays ;)