Baggage

If you measure your life by your weight than I have shed enough baggage to be back to the person I haven't been since High School. I've somehow lost the 50 lbs of pregnancy weight AND an additional 15 lbs extra in 5 months and am down to 115 lbs without even meaning to be yet I think I actually have MORE baggage than ever before. All of the grade school insecurities, the grown up fear of the future, the post college lack of direction, the loss of faith in your own value and place in this world, the complete shock at how your got to be where you are, and the confusion as to where to look for the answers. I will say that I have recently been reminded of the person that I was before all of this happened. The person that was squished down beneath someone else's issues, needs, and wants. The person that wanted to continue to exist but couldn't when juxtaposed to another's lack of love and own insecurities. I had become a person that was the antithesis of the person she was trying to love and balance out, not the person that I actually am. She is still in there yet somehow I'm now locked into a situation where it is impossible for someone to meet that person and appreciate that person because my kids need and deserve every bit of me. That girl is also now completely saturated in the truth of motherhood which is at complete odds with the free spirit that I love to be and the freedom loving people that I am drawn to. I have also re-commited myself to being the most authentic, truthful version of myself that I can be which I believe is the only way to find your true soul mates in this world but then, when you are brushed aside, it hurts so much more because your true self is being rejected instead of just knowing that you just didn't play the game right or didn't play the required role convincingly enough. I doubt that this makes any sense to all of you and it's extremely vague as I have no idea who might be reading this blog but I am trying to process this place that I'm at. It's a strange irony when I think of all of this while feeding Zephyr his very first real meal. Like he is just embarking on his own accumulation of baggage. Anyways, he ate it as fast as he could, whining between bites because he was just LOVING it! Then, afterwards, he decided he needed a drink so I nursed him and he kept taking a break from drinking, pulling back, looking up at me with his huge blue eyes, and LAUGHING. Over and over, he drank, pulled back, and chuckled! Like we were sharing a great joke about the joy of eating. Like he just couldn't get over how GREAT that rice cereal and breast milk paste was and kept replaying it in his mind over and over! The joy of his first food experience just bubbled up inside of him until he had to let it out and chuckle. I hope you can all picture that image because it was just priceless.