Baggage

If you measure your life by your weight than I have shed enough baggage to be back to the person I haven't been since High School. I've somehow lost the 50 lbs of pregnancy weight AND an additional 15 lbs extra in 5 months and am down to 115 lbs without even meaning to be yet I think I actually have MORE baggage than ever before. All of the grade school insecurities, the grown up fear of the future, the post college lack of direction, the loss of faith in your own value and place in this world, the complete shock at how your got to be where you are, and the confusion as to where to look for the answers. I will say that I have recently been reminded of the person that I was before all of this happened. The person that was squished down beneath someone else's issues, needs, and wants. The person that wanted to continue to exist but couldn't when juxtaposed to another's lack of love and own insecurities. I had become a person that was the antithesis of the person she was trying to love and balance out, not the person that I actually am. She is still in there yet somehow I'm now locked into a situation where it is impossible for someone to meet that person and appreciate that person because my kids need and deserve every bit of me. That girl is also now completely saturated in the truth of motherhood which is at complete odds with the free spirit that I love to be and the freedom loving people that I am drawn to. I have also re-commited myself to being the most authentic, truthful version of myself that I can be which I believe is the only way to find your true soul mates in this world but then, when you are brushed aside, it hurts so much more because your true self is being rejected instead of just knowing that you just didn't play the game right or didn't play the required role convincingly enough. I doubt that this makes any sense to all of you and it's extremely vague as I have no idea who might be reading this blog but I am trying to process this place that I'm at. It's a strange irony when I think of all of this while feeding Zephyr his very first real meal. Like he is just embarking on his own accumulation of baggage. Anyways, he ate it as fast as he could, whining between bites because he was just LOVING it! Then, afterwards, he decided he needed a drink so I nursed him and he kept taking a break from drinking, pulling back, looking up at me with his huge blue eyes, and LAUGHING. Over and over, he drank, pulled back, and chuckled! Like we were sharing a great joke about the joy of eating. Like he just couldn't get over how GREAT that rice cereal and breast milk paste was and kept replaying it in his mind over and over! The joy of his first food experience just bubbled up inside of him until he had to let it out and chuckle. I hope you can all picture that image because it was just priceless.

Destiny

Just starting to wonder if I'm just meant to be alone. Seems like a sad existence but I see so many women raising their kids alone and not finding anyone grown up enough to take them and their children on after their first partner fails to grow up. What has happened that keeps men perpetually in a teenager state? Why do they no longer progress to the point where family means something important enough to grow up and take on the responsibility and where nurturing a future is a valuable commitment that could actually be fun instead of just an unwanted stress? Raising children alone just seems like such a depressing existence. Having your kids think it's normal for their Daddy to just show up for the fun part occasionally when it's convenient. It just perpetuates the cycle. I don't want to raise my boys to think that this is the way of the world. What on Earth has happened that it has become the norm? Where are the grown ups? Do I have to wait another ten years to find one? When the 40 year old men finally reach adult maturity? Sorry if I insult anyone but I just feel that way at the moment. It's so frustrating and makes me feel so defeated. A lonely existence does not a happy future make. Hmph.

Caught on tape...

I FINALLY caught Z on tape doing his tricks. The minute I pull out a camera, he usually gets so absorbed in the camera that all is lost. The video of his face takes a while for him to get over the camera so you have to watch for a bit but I promise it's worth it! He's just TOO much!

New beginnings...

I have decided that Spring has come early to California to give me the hope and message of new beginnings. I have finally come around to once again thinking that I really am blessed....even through the Hell that has been my life the past few months. Somehow, I still am luckier than most people. When I am lonely, people come into my life. When I am weak, help comes. When I ended up alone, my kids came along. Although this life is not ending up the way I intended, I am still one of the lucky ones. I don't question why I am one of the deserving ones...why I am blessed with this luck. I just am. Maybe it's just how the cards fall. Anyways, the possibilities are endless...my future is unknown but will be blessed. Another part of the luck that is in my life is that I am a person that can find happiness in any situation through the little wonders of life so no matter what the future lays at my feet, I know that I will find happiness in that. I am also working on the new beginnings that forgiveness brings. I have found the beauty in not holding onto your anger because you only hurt yourself. You can't hurt someone else back. They won't feel it. You can't make them see. You can only let it go and move on. One of my best friends said, "You can forgive, but you can also not forget." That's what I'm working from now. I can forgive but I will not forget. I will let myself be a healthy person and continue into the future from a happy place without dwelling on the past but I will not let myself be fooled again...

No news is good news...

Hi all...
Things are progressing smoothly...
Z is growing, changing, better and better each day...don't know how that's possible since he's already so great but somehow he gets greater!
Odin is so smart it's ridiculous! What can I say? He's my "beeeeeest frieeeeeeend." ;)
I'm doing better and better. I'm great. I'm tired. I'm happy. 'Nough said?
That's all for now!
Love, Star

Working...

Spring has Sprung in February???

Hi all!
So, the daffodils are up and in bloom and the cherry trees are blooming!?!?!!? Huh? Love is in the air, the money tree looks like it's getting some new buds as some work is starting to trickle in, the boys are fantastic, I'm exhausted but happy. What more could I want? Maybe to get rid of the ever-present bags under my eyes from perpetual lack of sleep (especially now that there are not just two boys with colds in my home but two boys with ear infections) but I'm not going to push my luck. Besides, getting up at 4AM (after breastfeeding Z all night) just means that there is more time in the day, some time to snuggle with just Z and to give him a little undivided attention AND I get to see the sunrise! PLUS, it just means I get to start my coffee bliss earlier! Mmmmmm. I love my life, I love my boys, I love my house, I love my dog, I love my friends, I love my family. Now, I'm going to turn in with sweet dreams and a whole 2 hrs of uninterrupted sleep before my first feeding shift :) Good thing that baby is THE sweetest little baby in the whole wide world. When I got up with Odin at 4 the other day to administer meds and help him through his 104 degree fever, he turned to me in his feverish delirium and said, "Mommy, your kind of a good girl." What more could a person want than that kind of wonderful validation? That and the steady stream of hugs & kisses I've been getting lately. (Albeit, a bit snotty lovin' but still wonderful!) Mmmmmm! I'm going to have TWO Valentines this year!!!!!