Such is life.

To anyone that begrudged me for my happy moments and how I may have overshared my joy...I now feel entirely justified for doing it.  My rationale was that I realized how fleeting happy moments can be and how they always seem to come to an end in my world at some point so it's important to soak it up while it lasts.  I'm glad that I fully appreciated my reprieve from single-momdom for the last 7 months.  It was really nice to feel loved and special.  I had wonderful company and felt cherished and lucky.  I was able to enjoy my boys more and to really love every minute of my life.  Regardless of whether I was taken for a ride or not, no matter what the real story is or was, and despite the fact that it might have all been a mirage of smoke and mirrors, this time I actually don't regret a thing.  I had the best 7 months of my life and got to live the dream which some people never get to do.  I know now how it feels to be loved...even if that love is not real, at least now I know what I'm looking for.  I know that it is something worth waiting for and I'm perfectly happy being alone until I find it and if that takes forever, so be it.  I know what it feels like when a relationship is working.  I know what normal discussions feel like, what talking about your problems feels like, what it is to be with a person that has a personality that fits with your own.  I'm thankful to have learned all of these lessons and to have grown as a partner.  Although it is now my time to be back on my own again...just me and the boys...and as hard as that may be and as sad as I am, I'm just so glad that I soaked up that happiness while I could.  It will carry me through this rough patch.  My soul was fed and full in the way that nourishes you for a long time.  It is very nice to be surrounded by my wonderful community and I'm so glad I chose this place to raise my boys.  We are lucky to live here and for the people that support me I am so thankful.  As one last thing, let this be a reminder to us all that happiness is an illusion...it is an ever shifting changing being...so if you have it, let it shine, let everyone around you bask in its glow...show everyone what it is to be happy...for it will inspire them to also look for this fleeting moments and to appreciate it when they find it.  You will carry others through their rough patches with your optimism and abundant love...until it has once again evaporated, leaving you holding just air, a popped balloon...and you once again need to turn to the others who are in their own moments of happiness...to share in their love and optimism and carry you through.  It is a human cycle of perpetual hope that we are bound to and it is important that we take every moment for what it is.  A gift.  The gift of life...and whether we are in a high or a low...we are still lucky to be able to live it.  I'd rather be sad and disappointed but alive any day.  Next time I'm happy...take it for what it is.  Share in my happiness, bask in the glow...don't begrudge me...but appreciate it for what it is.  A shining moment in time when the sun hit that metal reflector just right and blinded me with its glory. 

The perils of marriage.

I was reminded today by a friend of the perils of marriage.  I am, myself, in the wonderful stages of the promising beginnings...the time when you still remember being alone, wondering if your soulmate existed, if you were destined to be alone forever.  I was happy alone...don't get me wrong...I wasn't just looking for any old person to keep me company...and I did remember what it felt like to be in an unhealthy relationship and I certainly would never want that again...but I'm MUCH happier with someone that complements me and my personality and I do look forward to spending the rest of my life with that person.  I do still remember what it looks like to imagine living as a single unit in this world for the rest of your existence.  No matter how much work a marriage takes, I still choose to try.

HOWEVER, what happens when you no longer remember what it was like to be alone?  When you start to take your soulmate for granted?  These are the questions that keep me up at night and as I watch some of my closest friends reach this point and their marriages start to faulter...why I feel it is my job to remind these couples of how lucky they are.  I watched my own marriage fail...and although we were certainly not right for each other, it did give me a flavor of the fine line between a relationship functioning ok and a couple that is so resentful that they lose their way and end up hating each other.  To the people I love out there that were lucky enough to find their soulmate in this world...please remember the love you felt for this person before the stressors in life came along.  Remember that although they may be causing you pain in some way, they started from a place of love...that they are a good person...and that you both deserve the love that you have for each other.  It is important to find that again.  Do what it takes.  Go to counseling where they will force you to open pandora's box, talk about the things you have ceased discussing, and to remember how much you love each other and appreciate each other.  Try to find your place of love again because coming from this side of things, the beginning, it feels REALLY good to love and be loved and it feels REALLY awful to watch your marriage disintegrate, leaving you alone and floundering in this world.

I had no choice but to end my marriage, but unless your spouse is doing something really really awful that you cannot look beyond, save it.  Cherish it.  Find the place of love again.  Don't wait until things are so bad that you have no choice.  Rescue it before the flame has burned out.  A little bit of work now is worth saving you from how bad things can get later.  Don't be embarrassed to say, "We need help.  We need a third party to shake us from this bad pattern."  There is no shame in it.  You deserve a healthy relationship and you deserve to be loved.  Your significant other is the one that will give you that love.  He has just lost his way as you have lost yours.  Give each other the benefit of the doubt.  As my Nana said today, "With all the disabilities your Grandfather has now, I have to focus really hard and use a lot of patience to support him with even more love than I ever did before."  She knows what it takes to keep things going.  When she gets frustrated, she puts more love out there, loves him more ferociously than she did before, and she knows that it is worth it because of the love he has for her in turn.  They respect each other beyond the annoyances and pity resentments.  They know that the history created between them is worth its weight in gold and that they are soulmates through thick and thin.

So, to all those couples out there that are feeling the strain.  Know that I am thinking of you and wishing only the best for you and your loves...but that I also hope you step up to bat and fight for your marriages.  I can't imagine all of you floundering out there alone.

Zephyr's Mickey Birthday Party & Odin's Spiderman Birthday Party

Odin's 4th Birthday Party!

 

 

Zephyr's 2nd Birthday!

We are all moved into our new place :)

We have moved to our new rental and it is much better than our previous place.  I'm finally catching up on everything again now that the craziness of summer is over and we're all moved and unpacked.  The kids are very happy and loving the neighborhood, friends, and school.  The house belongs to a church and they fixed it up beautifully for us and keep watch over us.  It's nice to have such a lovely group right next door!  We also have lots of friends in our neighborhood so there are constant playdates and good company :)  Odin's birthday party was great...a Spiderman theme...and Zephyr's is coming up...a Mickey Mouse theme at his request!  I'm doing well.  I have a lovely boyfriend who treats me very well and is wonderfully nice to the boys.  He has two kids of his own which makes for a lively bunch!  I've been volunteering and trying to leverage that into some paid work but the economy is not helping.  Here are some pictures to tide you all over!

Resolve

I have come to a realization and I am writing it down so that I do not lose my resolve in this new conclusion that I have come to.  I have decided that being a grown up means saying tough things even though you know that it may mean that you lose immediate gratification in favor of a long term gain.  It means knowing yourself so well that you can say with complete conviction what is most important to you and what you are willing to sacrifice and what you are not.  It means knowing what makes you happy and creating an existence where you can be happy all on your own.  So happy that you are willing to walk away from something that makes you happy in the moment if it will not create the future that you see for yourself.  It means being honest about what your expectations are regardless of the outcome because you want to be happy and you know that you can be happy alone if all else fails and that you are not willing to compromise your image of what you want in the future.  Truly knowing yourself and thinking long and hard about what is important to you is the only way that you will find your future happiness and you must be so dedicated to that future that you will not settle.  Life is about making yourself happy, so happy in fact that the fear of being alone will not drive you to make decisions based solely on that fear.  I am going to be gutsy tomorrow and lay my cards on the table.  I will not cower away from what I want.  I will not put my own wants aside for fear of being alone.  I will say what is truly important to me and how I envision my future.  I will make myself a priority because I deserve to be happy and if someone cannot help me towards that goal then I will go it alone.  If I don't get some guts and go for it, then I am only doing a disservice to myself and the people I love.  Emotional honesty is scary but necessary and it is where mature grown ups dwell.  Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all.  Better to love and to lose than to live a life unfulfilled.  Wish me luck on sticking to my guns.  I am so very not good at this.  I can only be strong in the fact that I have found my own happiness and that will be there to carry me through any outcome.

Life as we live it.

I have no profound thoughts to share with you all except the overwhelming joy of being truly happy.  I realize that is a bit redundant but I am...happy!  I am loving our little town of Marblehead, it is truly the perfect place for me and I'm so glad I put in the hard work and soul searching way back when to figure out what it was that would make me happy and to try to create a future that had all of those elements.  I do believe that we all create our own happiness...so I am truly giving myself the credit this time for making it happen and for hanging in there with a solid dedication to my future happiness in the times when things seemed so dismal.  I love the person that I am and the conscious effort that I put into my life each and every day.  If I am single forever, raising my boys alone, I will still be truly content.  I could not have said that in the past years but today, I can honestly say that I love where I am in life...with a future unknown and only possibilities on the horizon.  People say that when things are good, you need to stop and appreciate it for that moment is fleeting.  Well, here I am.  Appreciating it.  In all its momentary glory.  Right now, in this minute, I am SO happy :)  I don't know where this life is taking me or what the world has in store but I sure am loving the ride.  I will leave tomorrow to its own devices...love to you all!
-Star

Spring has sprung!

Sorry I've been lagging so much with the blog!  Facebook is so much easier and more secure that I end up posting everything there instead!  We had some airline tickets from last year that for a trip we had to cancel due to our move cross country so we took advantage of the tickets and went to Florida :)  We had a great time...stayed with my friend Alison at her mom's amazing house, visited with her brother in Miami, caught up with friends from Nantucket and went to see Mickey and then went and stayed with my parents for a few nights.  It was a great trip!  Here are some highlights!

This next photo proves that even in Florida, a drainage grate is still just as fascinating!

While we were mini-golfing, both boys got hole-in-ones!

The boys had a fantastic Easter and the weather was amazing for it!  We even just went to the beach one day!  YAY!  Here are some photos of the ever-growing guys!

The boys and their cousins and the super heroes that live with me ;)

Odin and his rainy day art project and the boys with their best friend Sailor.