Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Big News!!!!

Hi all!
I'm still trying to get a video of it to show you and I have a lot of videos that need to be uploaded still BUT I just wanted to tell everyone that ZEPHYR started walking!!!!! He took his first steps Friday, the 21st and then yesterday evening, he was holding a water bottle in his hands while taking a step, pausing, taking another two steps, pausing, taking another step! He was practicing all evening! He's climbing on EVERYTHING too which is pretty scary. He's such a joy of a baby...we were out playing ball and every time I kicked the ball or helped him to kick the ball he would break out into squeals of laughter and giggles. Such a fun guy to be around. Odin has been working very hard to learn to swim. The conversation we had this evening while waiting to fall asleep goes like this:
Yes, Odin?
My hair is getting kind of long.
You think so?
Ya. Do you think, in the morning when the sun gets higher and higher that we could give me a haircut?
Mommy, you're so helpful.
Thanks Odie!
Can you cuddle me some more?

Melts your heart, doesn't it?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009


Odin, playing at the beach with another 3 year old. They are playing tag.

Odin: "Hearit!" "Hear it!" (His version of "You're it" which makes about as much sense.)

Sam: "Do it! I do it!" (His friend's translation of something he thinks to be more appropriate, also having no idea what "You're it" would have to do with anything.)

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Floating up.

I feel like I am's like a rope is tied around my ankle and it is attached to the bottom of a rough sea and yet I am just buoyant enough to keep afloat. A big wave will pass over me and submerge me entirely but I am just buoyant enough to pop up on the other side of the wave. Right now, I am fighting this frustrating sickness, on antibiotics, AND weaning. Oh geesh. Today, the wave caught me yet again (no doubt an effect of the sickness and weaning hormonal rollercoasters) and my kids reached down and pulled me back up. They held me up long enough to catch my breath once again. The mom in me will NOT let my kids have anything but a PERFECT childhood to the BEST of my ability NO MATTER WHAT and that is what drives me on a moment to moment basis. It's my overall arch that I have trouble with.

Today, in my despair about what I have been reduced to and what I have given up, I felt so hopeless. I find solace in the complete sacrifice that perfect parenting is yet I know that this will not ultimately keep me afloat. I will need to begin again from scratch, re-inventing myself yet again. Starting over again. And, I will have to be alone. No matter how I look at it, I will be alone. I will do it, alone. How can I be alone when I love to be in a crowd and crowds are easy to find? How can I be alone when I find comfort in fellow humans no matter who that might be. I am still feeling the effects of a warm hug from a spanish lady at a playground in Boston that me and the kids found ourselves at. Her cell number and offer of friendship saved in my cell phone. I feel the embrace of the nanny at the playground in CT that hugged me through my tears that wouldn't stay put and carry her number scrawled on a piece of paper in my wallet like an emergency contact to put on the many health forms I fill out. The cell phone number of yet another person at a random playground that offered friendship in a fleeting moment at the car window as I drove away. The business card of a beginner hairdresser with the promise of wet weather playdates at her house. None of these lifelines are what I need or what I seek, yet there they are, keeping me company. How can I fear being lonely? How can I be here, with the constant company of my parents and feel so lonely? How can I cuddle me two little loveys and be lonely for them? Feeling like I am not present enough for them?

I am reading Eat, Pray, Love and although I find it frustrating to "hear" this woman whining when she has unlimited financial resources, talent, and can flit around where she pleases having these experiences without having to drag her two children along or wonder how they will be affected while also wondering if love will ever find her while she mothers, smothers among the closed in walls of her home, I will admit that it gives me things to ponder on. She says that all you need to do is ask for your guru and they will appear. What I think about this is, I am not ready to hear what my guru has to say. Second, she points straight to me and says, "I, too, am trying to control my world to keep time from moving, to stay as far away from dying as possible, and can therefore not be present. Even as I control, it only proves how this world is beyond our control." Although I am paraphrasing, this is the lesson that I need to learn yet every ounce of my being will not allow this to be true. I CANNOT live from day to day. I CANNOT let the past die, CANNOT let the future present itself. I am NOT ok with my current predicament and constantly think I will, at any moment, wake from this dream and find myself no longer in this predicament. Pinch me.

Yet, here I am, making myself a cup of hot cocoa. Thinking how maybe winter is what I need. Maybe I will find comfort in winter. In the quiet of a snowfall, glowing fire's embrace, cradled by a home, let the wind whistle outside. Here I am, popping back up after the wave has passed, catching a breath. I cannot help but hope, it is the human condition. It also seems to relate to the seasons. Being back in the land of seasons, I remember the feeling of perpetually being driven forward, towards the next season. Thinking that something better is just around the corner.

Wednesday, August 5, 2009


I just got the most interesting comment on my blog saying that I helped someone! I helped! ME! The person that only gets help from others, lives purely by the grace of others' good deeds, and has no life or direction whatsoever HELPED SOMEONE ELSE! They were an anonymous commenter and if only they know how good it feels to have helped even just ONE person to give back a little! I can't help anyone in my own life because I can barely keep it together in my own life, have no money to help with, have no home to welcome them into, and no grounded feeling to offer as support. I'm so glad that I could virtually help someone. I'm glad to hear that someone is helped by me just saying, "Hey, my life is a mess. Things suck. Welcome to my world." Hahahaha. Anyways, here's what up with if things couldn't get any worse...I got really sick. This illness really messed with me but luckily I'm on antibiotics and things are going to get better again. I don't know WHAT I did to deserve this year but there ya have it. The hits just keep on comin'. Thanks to all for the support that you gave to me via facebook...I couldn't even reach out to people because I was just to sick I didn't have the energy to reach out. I'm feeling better and my parents took good care of me so don't worry about me! Just a nasty infection...I think I have THE worst immune system EVER, AND it doesn't help that I'm up every two hours with the baby and up for good at 5:30AM most nights with the occasional panic attack/stress out in the middle of the night where I can't sleep! Argh! So, now that I'm going to be feeling better, just wondering if I could get a sign. Any sign. Just something small from the universe telling me what the next step is for me. I thought that I would get a sign sometime during this summer helping me to figure out what to do next but the summer is halfway through and no sign has materialized. What am I going to do? I have to get a life of my own sometime! Where do I turn? Where do I look? What search do I google? (Believe me, I've tried many random google searches for an answer...if it was out there, I would have found it.) Does anyone have an answer for me? A magical offer of just the life I would like to live? Sometimes, the best thing to do is send your needs out into the universe. Here goes.
Here are my skills:
Graphic Design
Customer Service
Hospitality Revenue Management
Hospitality (all departments)
Singing, Dancing, Acting
Working with children
Extreme Patience
Non-profit misc. work
Interior decorating

Here's what I would like in my life:
A nice little home within walking distance to Something
People stopping over a lot
A community with great families and kids that is near enough my parents that I can get help when I get really sick which seems to happen to me WAY to often!
A good preschool
An ocean nearby enough
A mountain to climb nearby enough
Interesting things to drive to with the kids
A job from home
A nice babysitter for once in a while help
I guess I should also expand to friends who can play even on weekends or evenings when most families are having family time or a family that doesn't mind a third wheel with two kids.
Dates with nice friendly normal guys. Not the love of my life...just an occasion to get dressed up and feel pretty and have a nice date with fun adult conversation and laughter.

Ok. So, that's it. Is my Utopia out there? Does anyone have the key to the sign from the universe that is meant from me? If this post is missing words or doesn't make any sense...that just because I JUST started taking my antibiotics and they haven't really kicked in yet. Next post I'm sure I'll be back to my boring make-sense self.