Big news!

Most of you probably know this already but I realized that I haven't written in my blog in a long time and haven't announced here that I'm engaged :)  On our one year anniversary of being a couple, Joe took me to where we had our first kiss overlooking the ocean and the city of Boston at sunset and asked me to marry him :)  He actually got down on one knee and then gave me the prettiest ring :)   I am the happiest and luckiest girl.  As I type this, three kiddos are up, one is still sleeping.  It's pretty busy around here!  I have moved into the new house and Joe's is closing this month so he and his kids are here most of the time when they are not at school, doing homework, at their mom's, or working until we after school is out.  Joe and I are still madly in love and I keep wondering when the honeymoon phase wears off but so far, it hasn't dimmed!  :)  The new house is awesome.  Sunny, open, pleasant...with a bedroom for each of us plus an office so no more having kids share a room and keep each other up!  It's great!  There's a lovely deck, a huge finished basement playroom, and the neighborhood has TONS of kids and nice parents, sidewalks, and Odin can walk to school at the end of the road for Kindergarten in the Fall.  I can ride Zephyr to preschool on the bike path too!  We are joining the community pool at the end of the street and have already been to the beach a bunch this month so it should be a pretty fun summer!  We are also taking a trip at the end of June to Jackson Hole with all four kids...I've never been in the summer so I'm really looking forward to seeing Yellowstone, the museums that are normally closed in the winter, cowboy dinners, rodeos, horseback riding, and fishing!  Odin and Zephyr are looking forward to some Grammie and Grandpa time :)  Then, it's off to Nantucket for some weekends!  Joe and I figure with all we have going on right now, we probably won't get married until next Summer/Fall.  We need to concentrate on helping our family make this transition into living together and into Joe's kids commuting to school half the week this Fall.  We'll see.  We figure it'll take us all year to find moments to check out places to have a reception anyways!  So, that's all the big news around here.  I'm just happy happy happy!  Somehow I scored the most wonderful man who is the perfect fit for me.  It reminds me of what my Nana says about my Grandpa..."My heart still flutters every time he comes in the door."  :)

Joint Family Trip

Joe and I took all four kids to St. Thomas for a few days :)  We had all four kids for an entire week with 2 travel days and 3 days in the sunny fabulousness and we made it through with flying colors.  Our trip was not without it's travel difficulties as is the norm these days but we had a wonderful trip and everyone had a great time :)  Next week we are off to California to visit all of the loves that we haven't seen since we moved away two years ago.  I found airline tickets that were such a good deal that I booked them, regardless of leaving a week and a half after getting back from our last trip.  Odin's dad and his girlfriend are meeting us there to take the kids for a few days so they won't miss their visit.  I know the time change is going to be a challenge with the kids waking up at 3AM so wish me luck!  Here are a few pics from our quick vacation!

Since I last wrote...

...things have gotten back on track :)  Right now, as I write this, the house is sparkling, the laundry is going, the dishwasher is running, the boys are tucked up in their beds and all is right with the world.  As far as my love life goes, as hard as it is to let myself trust, I have once again fought the urge to run away from love and all the scary vulnerability that goes with it and am blissfully happy.  Yes, there was a hiccup along the way, a white cap in my otherwise smooth sailing, a pothole, or more appropriately for this winter, a frost heave.  I've asked and discussed with everyone I trust and they are all with me in thinking that it was just that...a momentary, fleeting glitch.  So....onward and upward :)  I'm happy to say that I am happy happy happy as are the boys :)  We spend our days shuttling to school, playdates, gymnastics, errands, and events for the club that I run and we spend our evenings alternating between Joe's house and my rental.  Our kids miss each other when we are not all together so we try to make it so that we are only apart a day here and there besides the time that each set of kids spends at their other parent's house.  Joe's kids are flourishing in our new chaotic lifestyle...for my boys it is just the norm ;)  Having four kids around most of the time is rewarding, silly, fun, full of more cuddles than one person can accommodate, and thoroughly stimulating.  Each kid is so unique and fascinating...I love every minute.  Joe and I make a good team and it really seems easiest when we are all together.  My kids love Joe and his kids which makes me feel good and tells me that I am indeed not only taking the path that's best for me, but that is best for everyone!  It is indeed complicated having several driveways that need snowblowing (thank goodness Joe does that) and we are forever packing and unpacking and having groceries go bad on us while we're away or missing an item that we meant to bring...but if the two of us can handle this level of stress, than we certainly make a good team :)  Zephyr is amazing me every day with how much he secretly knows and with his panache and humor...Odin has become quite helpful and sweet in addition to his amazing and ever-present zest for life and never-ending enthusiasm.  They have been enjoying spending time with their Dad and his girlfriend at their house in Maine and visiting with Grammie & Grandpa and every chance they get whether here, CT, WY, or wherever!  We just got back from a trip out to Wyoming where we got to visit with Uncle Adam too!  Anyways...that's what's going on here in MA.  Just shiny happy people!  I'm so glad to have every running smoothly again :)  Sometimes it's good to have things go awry just to keep you on your toes and to remind you to live in the moment...the future doesn't really exist! 

Such is life.

To anyone that begrudged me for my happy moments and how I may have overshared my joy...I now feel entirely justified for doing it.  My rationale was that I realized how fleeting happy moments can be and how they always seem to come to an end in my world at some point so it's important to soak it up while it lasts.  I'm glad that I fully appreciated my reprieve from single-momdom for the last 7 months.  It was really nice to feel loved and special.  I had wonderful company and felt cherished and lucky.  I was able to enjoy my boys more and to really love every minute of my life.  Regardless of whether I was taken for a ride or not, no matter what the real story is or was, and despite the fact that it might have all been a mirage of smoke and mirrors, this time I actually don't regret a thing.  I had the best 7 months of my life and got to live the dream which some people never get to do.  I know now how it feels to be loved...even if that love is not real, at least now I know what I'm looking for.  I know that it is something worth waiting for and I'm perfectly happy being alone until I find it and if that takes forever, so be it.  I know what it feels like when a relationship is working.  I know what normal discussions feel like, what talking about your problems feels like, what it is to be with a person that has a personality that fits with your own.  I'm thankful to have learned all of these lessons and to have grown as a partner.  Although it is now my time to be back on my own again...just me and the boys...and as hard as that may be and as sad as I am, I'm just so glad that I soaked up that happiness while I could.  It will carry me through this rough patch.  My soul was fed and full in the way that nourishes you for a long time.  It is very nice to be surrounded by my wonderful community and I'm so glad I chose this place to raise my boys.  We are lucky to live here and for the people that support me I am so thankful.  As one last thing, let this be a reminder to us all that happiness is an illusion...it is an ever shifting changing being...so if you have it, let it shine, let everyone around you bask in its glow...show everyone what it is to be happy...for it will inspire them to also look for this fleeting moments and to appreciate it when they find it.  You will carry others through their rough patches with your optimism and abundant love...until it has once again evaporated, leaving you holding just air, a popped balloon...and you once again need to turn to the others who are in their own moments of happiness...to share in their love and optimism and carry you through.  It is a human cycle of perpetual hope that we are bound to and it is important that we take every moment for what it is.  A gift.  The gift of life...and whether we are in a high or a low...we are still lucky to be able to live it.  I'd rather be sad and disappointed but alive any day.  Next time I'm happy...take it for what it is.  Share in my happiness, bask in the glow...don't begrudge me...but appreciate it for what it is.  A shining moment in time when the sun hit that metal reflector just right and blinded me with its glory. 

The perils of marriage.

I was reminded today by a friend of the perils of marriage.  I am, myself, in the wonderful stages of the promising beginnings...the time when you still remember being alone, wondering if your soulmate existed, if you were destined to be alone forever.  I was happy alone...don't get me wrong...I wasn't just looking for any old person to keep me company...and I did remember what it felt like to be in an unhealthy relationship and I certainly would never want that again...but I'm MUCH happier with someone that complements me and my personality and I do look forward to spending the rest of my life with that person.  I do still remember what it looks like to imagine living as a single unit in this world for the rest of your existence.  No matter how much work a marriage takes, I still choose to try.

HOWEVER, what happens when you no longer remember what it was like to be alone?  When you start to take your soulmate for granted?  These are the questions that keep me up at night and as I watch some of my closest friends reach this point and their marriages start to faulter...why I feel it is my job to remind these couples of how lucky they are.  I watched my own marriage fail...and although we were certainly not right for each other, it did give me a flavor of the fine line between a relationship functioning ok and a couple that is so resentful that they lose their way and end up hating each other.  To the people I love out there that were lucky enough to find their soulmate in this world...please remember the love you felt for this person before the stressors in life came along.  Remember that although they may be causing you pain in some way, they started from a place of love...that they are a good person...and that you both deserve the love that you have for each other.  It is important to find that again.  Do what it takes.  Go to counseling where they will force you to open pandora's box, talk about the things you have ceased discussing, and to remember how much you love each other and appreciate each other.  Try to find your place of love again because coming from this side of things, the beginning, it feels REALLY good to love and be loved and it feels REALLY awful to watch your marriage disintegrate, leaving you alone and floundering in this world.

I had no choice but to end my marriage, but unless your spouse is doing something really really awful that you cannot look beyond, save it.  Cherish it.  Find the place of love again.  Don't wait until things are so bad that you have no choice.  Rescue it before the flame has burned out.  A little bit of work now is worth saving you from how bad things can get later.  Don't be embarrassed to say, "We need help.  We need a third party to shake us from this bad pattern."  There is no shame in it.  You deserve a healthy relationship and you deserve to be loved.  Your significant other is the one that will give you that love.  He has just lost his way as you have lost yours.  Give each other the benefit of the doubt.  As my Nana said today, "With all the disabilities your Grandfather has now, I have to focus really hard and use a lot of patience to support him with even more love than I ever did before."  She knows what it takes to keep things going.  When she gets frustrated, she puts more love out there, loves him more ferociously than she did before, and she knows that it is worth it because of the love he has for her in turn.  They respect each other beyond the annoyances and pity resentments.  They know that the history created between them is worth its weight in gold and that they are soulmates through thick and thin.

So, to all those couples out there that are feeling the strain.  Know that I am thinking of you and wishing only the best for you and your loves...but that I also hope you step up to bat and fight for your marriages.  I can't imagine all of you floundering out there alone.

Zephyr's Mickey Birthday Party & Odin's Spiderman Birthday Party

Odin's 4th Birthday Party!

 

 

Zephyr's 2nd Birthday!