Monday, June 15, 2009
I'm not sure who I'm really writing this blog for anymore...those of you that read it are close enough to see for yourselves...those that are too far away now probably don't even know about it...I'm not sure how the people that read it feel about me...I'm so tired of writing about my lack of a life, my exhaustion, my anger, my frustration, my disbelief, and I'm too busy focusing on enjoying and appreciating ever single minute with my kids to try to keep up on writing about them. I don't know how long I'll be able to realistically stay home with them so it seems like I hold onto our time together more and more desperately. The only thing I can focus on in my mind is how much I miss having my own home, my own life, my friends and family in CA, my dog, my cat, but how that is no longer possible since I am now doing it all on my own with a finite amount of financial resources to draw from and two little boys growing at an alarming rate towards what will be much more expensive years. I don't really have a plan for the future to focus on, I'm still stuck with all the things from the past that I am trying to move on from. I would write about my pathetic attempt at dating as I'm sure you'd all find it entertaining but it's just plain sad in my eyes. The wonderful guy who dumped me because he couldn't handle the kids, the firefighter that was just plain overbearing, the young son of a single mom who was just way too short, the surfer that I informed via email that I had moved cross country overnight, the lawyer that assessed and dismissed me within 40 minutes, the old friend that wanted to commiserate about divorce, the 20 something cougar bait that drunken texted me, the boring tax assessor with the 7 year old daughter and bad teeth. It's really hard looking into the future knowing that I will probably be alone for a very very long time. That I will raise my boys alone. That is not ever what I dreamed of when I thought of my future when I was a little girl. I have always looked forward to the partnership of marriage and raising a family together. Why didn't I understand how making a stupid choice about who I did it with would haunt and ruin my world for the rest of my life? I will be dealing with this forever. My children will be dealing with this forever. If I ever find someone that deserves my kids and will accept them as his own, he will also have to deal with my bad decisions forever. When will my life begin again? When will I ever feel normal again? When will I stop regretting what has become of my life? When will I be able to just enjoy my children without feeling the loss of what I always pictured their life would be instead of just feeling good about what is? Anyways, I'm finding it hard to keep this blog going when I question the people that read it and have lost my idea of what the point of it all is. My first blog was a way to convince myself that life was grand and perfect even though I knew it wasn't...this one was a way to start fresh and puzzle it out...but it seems to just continue to be the same questions and ponderings over and over in a pathetic monotonous diatribe. Sorry y'all.
Posted by ARC at 7:41 PM