Monday, April 6, 2009

Thoughts...

I'm reading this great book called Broken Open that talks about many different theories about life...one of them is a theory that life sends you feedback each day...not messages about the future...but rather feedback on your current life and how you are living it. Today it came to mind about all of the things I've stressed about in the past that turned out to be nothing...(sorry for the graphic nature) but I didn't get my period until I was 17 I think (way after everyone else) and I didn't have big boobs, so I always assumed I'd have a hard time getting pregnant and later breastfeeding. I broke my pelvis when I was 18 and all the doctors said I'd have to have a c-section because of it. My aunts had terrible childbirths and it was assumed, since I had their body type, that I would too. I stressed about all of these things when I was young...thinking I was guaranteed to have these future troubles with things that I cared very much about. I wanted lots of kids and thought it could never happen. Now, here I am on the other side, had no trouble getting pregnant (even while on birth control pills for years) had no trouble with childbirth beyond the fact that my babies were a bit hyper and therefore wrapped themselves all up in their umbilical cords, had no trouble breastfeeding once I figured out the supply/demand side of it, and the only thing keeping me from having many many children was the lack of the right person to do that with. I was in a terrible disfiguring car accident at 18 and I thought I'd be ugly and scarred for life. Today, I look very much like I did before the accident. It makes me think that I should get the message at some point. Each of these big terrible "indicators" of what lay ahead for me turned out to be a small blip on the radar of life and had no bearing whatsoever in my future outcome. Life is telling me that this too shall pass and will someday be such a small blip in the romantic future and lifelong partnership, and strong relationship role model for my boys that is yet to come. I was also thinking that since most people don't find their soulmate until at least 2 years after their divorce, that this is perhaps the situation for my soulmate, and it is something to ponder. It will also turn out to be the reason that I do not yet know him. He is currently living in the bliss of unawareness. He is married, in love, and planning to have a child or has already. Soon, his whole world will be blown wide open as he discovers that his wife and love of his life is cheating on him. He will have to make the difficult decision to end the relationship and will then have to travel the road I am now traveling until he finds me...his true soulmate that understands his place completely and we will go on to have more children and create a bigger family circle that includes stepchildren and new children and ex's and ex-in-laws, and ex-sister and brother-in-laws. The sad thing is that, currently, he is unaware that this will happen to him in the near future and he also does not know that it will turn out better in the end because he will find me...so, let's all spend a moment to honor this poor soul and the journey that he must soon face before the two of us can end up happy, together, in the future...

1 comment:

morsemusings said...

I think the stars will align themselves perfectly for all of your wishes. Your babies are beautiful, I love the pictures!