Sunday, April 5, 2009
Right now, my life is one big backlog. Being really sick is just the thing to make you feel really mediocre at everything. I was up the last two nights with both kids sick (lots of snot, coughing, and eye gunkiness...thank goodness no stomach issues)...then too busy during the day with work to catch up on sleep...and myself feeling crappy too...I just feel like I can only be mediocre at all of my roles...mom, employee, friend, homeowner, housekeeper, family-member, etc. I have a baby book that has nothing entered...not his monthly weight/height stats, first meal, his first tooth or crawling dates and tons of video and pictures that have not made it to the blog...I am trying to keep all the balls in the air but I'm just barely keeping them from falling...and then I'm supposed to find time for a life for myself as a grown up individual too? I just don't see how it's all possible. As soon as I feel really good about one thing...making some money, paying the bills, or mowing the lawn, then something else is not getting done, the laundry, the house, my job, groceries, cooking. I make the kids a priority and always make sure that they are happy, loved, spent quality time with, fed, clean, clothed, and all before anything else and still it seems like I'm not there for them enough either. Odin just tells me how much he loves me and misses me every minute I have to be away for any reason and how much he needs me every minute of every day and Zephyr really does need me and if he's with my babysitter than I just feel like I'm missing out on bonding time...I just don't know how one person is supposed to handle it all. My only choice to be more on top of things is to be away from the kids more and I hate that thought more than anything. I think the time I spend with them is the MOST important thing since they are why I'm doing all this and it's my reward for all of the crap too. If I spend less time with them it hurts me as much as it hurts them...oh geez. I don't know what I'm trying to say...I just hate being mediocre at everything. I'm not that kind of person.
Posted by ARC at 3:02 PM